ASK LUNA: Professional Advice Columnist
Dear Luna,
How do I defend myself against an aggressive garbanzo bean?
- Hannah T.
Hi Hannah. Your question is very interesting. The best way to defend yourself is probably to use your teeth…. Or just offer a peace treaty. It’s well known that beans are suckers for truces. -Luna Howlter
Dear Luna,
if one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all drown?
- Miley C.
Hi Miley. I think the real question is: if all the synchronized swimmers drown, do they get a perfect score or just disqualified? - Luna Howlter
Dear Luna,
What do you do when a baby just stares at you in public? Like, doesn’t even blink, just maintains intense, aggressive eye contact with their baby face. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO IN THIS SITUATION?
- Walter W.
Hi Walter. You stare back. This is obviously a test of strength; you stare that baby dead cold in the eyes until it gives up and bows to the master of manliness. Then pat yourself on the back champ, you just beat a baby. - Luna Howlter
Dear Luna,
Why do giraffes have long necks, but not humans?
- Ponyboy C.
Hi Pony. Simple answer: giraffes are our supreme overlords and the race that will take over the world. We will bow down with our measly little human necks to our new masters. They will come and take our children and our Cheez-it’s, before Earth blows up and they go find another planet to reign supreme over. Planet of the Apes? Wrong. Universe of the Giraffes. It’s their world, we just are allowed to live in it. - Luna Howlter
Dear Luna,
What do I do if my pants are on backwards?
- Bart S.
Hi Bart. Turn your entire body around. Maybe YOU were backwards your whole life and your pants have just become sentient and realized the truth. Think about it. - Luna Howlter
Dear Luna,
What would be a good gift to bring to a dog wedding? (One dog is a Shih-Tzu and the other is a Boxer, if that helps.)
- Avid Luna Howlter Fan
Hi Avid. Hmm… this is interesting! I would go for a classic traditional gift, maybe something like a bone? But then again, I wouldn’t really get a gift to be honest…… marriages don’t last. Plus, they always end a little, ruff. - Luna Howlter